the storm inside
Lately, I've been somewhat stunned by how well I've been functioning. Keeping the trains running on time, organizing big kid schedules, nursing and doctor visit schedules, sleeping and eating well-ish, pumping just enough milk. Staying positive and thoughtful. Laughing. Being mostly appropriate and inoffensive in social settings. Putting pen to paper. Engaging with the outside world, albeit from my safe little bubble via social media/blogging. I've also been reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, wondering if some of the traumas I've experienced in the past months have been fully digested/integrated already, or if I am just racking up a huge trauma debt that is going to take years to process, coming out sideways at all the wrong times. I don't want to relive the darkest hours of this experience in therapy; living them once was enough, thank you very much. When I am relatively calm in the face of some really heavy shit, over and over again, I wonde